No one is to busy two study grammar when its funny



  1. Greetings visitors,                                                                                                                                                                                    

  2. Would you please examine an idea for enabling ordinary people to become better writers with free writing lessons from their local newspaper?  Unfortunately, none of the newspapers that I have written to seem to be interested in teaching their customers how write like a reporter.  Apparently their editors and reporters have a “We’re cops, not social workers!” attitude toward their customers.  So I am going to ask everyone who visits this website to do a very big favor for me.  And that favor is to petition the New York Times and the Washington Post to do a one week experiment with the grammar puzzles that I have written.  However, I hope that my visitors won’t be too upset by my explanation for how teaching high school students to become good writers will also prepare them for becoming great sexual athletes.  (see paragraph 14)  But I believe that writing about the connections between good writing skills and great sex techniques will be necessary for convincing some of my horniest visitors to petition the NYT and WaPo to publish my grammar puzzles.  And they might also be the most productive for telling people like Bill Maher, Trevor Daily, and John Oliver, that men should do stretching exercises inside a woman’s wet spot when they are making love.  (see paragraph xx)  Then people like Jon Stewart, Howard Stern, and Bubba the Love Sponge might also want to interview me on their shows if they are sent enough copies of my advice for making happier marriages.  But it may be necessary to send those emails with an indirect strategy known as “Six Degrees Of Separation.”  The first team to make the strategy work, however, could become cultural celebrities that reporters will want to interview.     

  3. Now, I believe that newspapers like the New York Times and the Washington Post, could teach their customers how to write like a reporter just by publishing short stories that have been changed into grammar puzzles.  And if the stories/puzzles are popular enough, the NYT and WaPo should be able to syndicate their story/puzzles to almost every newspaper in America.  Moreover, there should be a lot of free lance writers who will want to write short stories that can be changed into grammar puzzles.   But the writers will not have to change their stories into puzzles.  That will be done by the NYT and WaPo.  This will enable them to syndicate story/puzzles that are simple enough and complicated enough for the majority of newspaper readers.  Which should make the story/puzzles very profitable for the NYT, WaPo, and the other newspapers.  But if grammar puzzles are not profitable for newspapers, they may still be profitable if they are published in booklets similar to the booklets for Sudoku puzzles that are sold in the checkout lanes in almost every grocery store in America.  Then ordinary people will be able to learn how to write like a novelist.  Which will also help them become better sexual athletes.  Nonetheless, the next five paragraphs will provide instructions for how short stories can be changed into grammar puzzles.  And after my instructions for newspapers, I have included some ideas for how K-12 schools should teach grammar and writing lessons.  Which again will help the high school students who want to become great sexual athletes.   

  4. The first instruction is very simple.  Every short story/grammar puzzle for a newspaper must be similar to a comic strip in that being entertaining will be more important than being educational.  But instead of the regular three panels in a comic strip, there will be five sections in every grammar puzzle.  And none of the puzzle sections will have any capitalization, punctuation, or paragraphs.  (In the booklets, the stories will be printed upside down on even numbered pages and the puzzles will be printed right side up on odd numbered pages.  And every sentence in a puzzle will be published separately in a numbered sequence like every paragraph on this webpage is separately numbered.)  Correcting the capitalization, punctuation, and paragraph mistakes will be enjoyable to do because they will be so easy to do.  In fact, everyone should be able to make corrections in the first section while they are reading.  This could make them feel really smart and inspire them to do the much more difficult sections.  However, the first section by itself will force people to look at words and sentences more carefully than they normally do.  That is the kind of studying that real writers do when they edit their work.  And when someone has learned how to edit his own work, he has also learned how to write.   With the puzzles that are published on a newspaper’s website, the first section will always be very short and it will always be published on a newspaper’s home page on  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  With those requirements, people will be able to quickly decide if they want to read the entire puzzle as a diversion from a boring weekend.  If the website puzzles are profitable, experiments should done to find out if it will be profitable to publish the puzzles on Friday in the actual paper.  Publishing more than one puzzle per week would probably make the supply curve too big for the demand curve.

  5. The second section will also have some words and/or phrases misplaced.  With grammar puzzles that are published in a newspaper, the mistakes should create puns, naughty allusions, and other forms of wordplay so that most readers will enjoy finding the errors.  But readers will only enjoy finding the mistakes if they are fairly easy to find.  Again, the puzzles should be more entertaining that educational.  So the number of mistakes should be a relatively small number and it should always be disclosed at the beginning.  Then the readers people will be able to know if they have found all of the errors.  And their sense of relief after finding all of the errors should facilitate the newspapers getting extra streams of revenue with grammar puzzles.  The first stream will happen when people click on to read a puzzle.  The second stream then could happen if the newspapers also provide grammar and writing advice with every grammar puzzle.  And the advice could become very powerful as clickbait if the newspapers make it possible for their readers to print the advice on 4×6 index cards.  (see below)  That could create a demand curve for flashcards that are published on a newspaper’s Sunday editorial page.   Which will be another stream of revenue.   (In the booklets, the errors in the second section should be more numerous and more complicated than in the newspaper puzzles and they should also include misplaced clauses and phrases.  But the first word of each sentence should never be misplaced.  With these rules, the sentences will have to be put back together like jigsaw puzzles.  However, the extra work will actually make the second section both more educational and more entertaining because some of the sentences will be changed into beautiful sentences when they are put back together.)    Now, I think there is a very large demand curve for learning grammar and good writing skills.  All that needs to be done is to invent a supply curve that will satisfy the demand curve.    

  6. The third section won’t have any misplaced words or phrases, but the newspaper puzzles will have at least one sentence misplaced.  These intentional errors in the second and third sections are essential because the learning curve for every skill is never complete until people go through a painful phase of making mistakes.  Conventional writing lessons that only use examples of good writing seem to only produce temporary connections in people’s brains that eventually fail when they relax.  Making and correcting mistakes, on the other hand, is more shocking and apparently produces more durable connections.  (Readers will learn more and get more fun for their money if almost all of the sentences in the third section of a puzzle are misplaced.  This will be best done by putting the shortest sentences at the top of each puzzle page and the longest sentences at the bottom.   Then the other sentences will follow the pattern of the shortest first and the longest last.)  Yes, people can learn more from correcting their own mistakes.  But they might make the same mistake a thousand times before they realize they are making a mistake.  Which is why a writing teacher can be so valuable.  So if someone doesn’t have a teacher they can get help from, they should use grammar puzzles that will enable them to learn faster from someone else’s mistakes.  Of course, both the second and third sections will more enjoyable if the first word of every sentence is not misplaced and the first sentences of every paragraph is usually not misplaced.  That will give readers more confidence for correcting someone else’s mistakes. 

  7. The fourth section could be the most enjoyable section because almost all of its sentences will be badly written.  That contradiction can be made true by writing the fourth section in an imitation of a foreigner speaking broken English.  Or an American speaking in a fictious dialect.  Or an alien from outer space communicating with a very unique patois from its planet.  Some words might be spelled phonetically.  Or spelled with an idiomatic contraction.  Some prepositions will be missing.  Some will be added.  The same thing for definitive and indefinite articles.  The subject verb object sequence might be standard English or standard Japanese.   (It will take a very talented writer to write a fourth section that is beautiful to read.  And because of supply and demand factors, he or she will probably have to be paid a lot of money.)  If the fourth section is very beautiful to read, the puzzle will be very enjoyable to read.  Which is extremely important because the plot of a short story grammar puzzle will usually reach its most intense point in the fourth section.  And by making this section really stressful, more people will be excited about studying grammar and good writing techniques.  (Even though the fourth puzzle section in both newspapers and booklets will be very well written, most people will have to write multiple drafts if they want to change the irregular patois of the puzzle into the Standard English of the story.  So they will probably avoid the hard work of rewriting and rewriting and rewriting,,,  by repeatedly comparing the unconventional patois version with the Standard English version.  But this studying by repeatedly cheating could be even more effective than writing multiple drafts because the comparisons could inspire many people to really admire good writing.  Which could have a big impact on our culture.)  As for my ideas for K-12 writing lessons, most of the ideas are for doing homework assignments that can be done during classroom hours instead at home.  And that should make learning how to write more enjoyable for high school students.  And one of those ideas is that K-12 teachers can develop their own inventory of grammar puzzles by collecting samples of bad writing from their students.  The errors will usually be the kind of errors that their students make and they could be more age and demographically appropriate than what could be produced by textbooks publishers.  However, most teachers will still like using the grammar puzzles written by textbook publishers because they will usually be able to give entertaining enough lectures that their students should think is important.  (look students, this writer made a terrible mistake with his antecedent pronoun)  More important though, students won’t have to worry about having writer’s block when they don’t feel like writing.  They can just criticize someone else’s skills whenever they are given an example of bad writing.  Which is usually more fun than having a teacher criticize their writing skills.   

  8. The fifth section in newspapers will have just one or two spelling errors (in addition to no capitalization, punctuation, or paragraphs).  The error(s) though will be enough to make the final section exciting to read.  It will also stimulate readers to study spelling.   (In the booklets, there might ten to twenty misspelled words per puzzle page.  To make this many errors enjoyable to find, the number of spelling errors should be listed at the top of each puzzle page.  Then a reader can circle the errors while he is reading and count the errors afterwards to see if he has found every one of them.  And by printing the booklet stories upside down, children will be able to learn how to read upside down.  Which will improve their spelling.)  Everyone has words they recognize but they can’t spell.  But if they see one of the words in the final section, they are going to wonder if it is misspelled.  That will stimulate their brain to remember how to spell the word(s).   And the newspaper flashcards for writing advice can be used to teach mnemonic techniques for improving one’s spelling.  For example, I memorized how to spell “emperor” with the visualization of a three eyed emperor.  The third eye in the middle of the emperor’s head has enabled me to remember that  “emperor” is spelled with an “e” in the middle of the word.  And the same visualization can be used with the word “desperate.”  But for the word “separate,” I have to visualize naked men and women at a health spa being separated by a doctor.  Also, flashcards written by a reporter could be really valuable for learning how to write like a reporter.  Because of time and complexity issues, it is impossible for most reporters to avoid occasionally writing something that needs to be rewritten.  And rewritten again.  And rewritten again and again until it is good enough.  Well, if a reporter occasionally saves and puts some of his bad writing on the frontside of a flashcard and his good writing on the backside, readers will occasionally want to print and study those flashcards so they can learn to write like a reporter.  Especially if the reporter includes an explanation on the backside for why the bad writing is bad and why the good writing is good.  Moreover, readers will be able to become experts in their newspaper’s grammar rules if the newspaper occasionally makes a flashcard with grammar rules from their “Manual of Style and Usage.”   Furthermore, the flashcards will always be more educational than the grammar puzzles.  And the grammar puzzles will always be more entertaining than the flashcards.  Which should make them work together like a good cop bad cop routine.  Then not only will the grammar puzzles and flashcards be more effective, they will also be more profitable.  But back to the final section of a grammar puzzle.  With just one misspelled word in the final section of a really good story, the final section should make the grammar puzzles really exciting to read and that will stimulate people to dream about becoming a great writer and making millions of dollars from writing a novel.  Or a movie script.  True, this will almost never happen.  But as part time students of grammar and writing, they will become loyal fans of short stories and enjoy buying the next newspaper edition of a grammar puzzle or a grammar puzzle booklet.

  9. As for my ideas for schools teaching grammar and writing skills to K-12 students, I want to repeat that most of my best ideas will enable students to learn how to write like a good student during their classes.  So there won’t be any homework to do.  This will make being a high school student much more enjoyable because they will have more leisure time for participating in some of their more creative activities.  My best ideas for safe sex, on the other hand, can only be learned with trial and error.  But I still hope that the ideas will make the learning process more enjoyable.   

  10. My first grammar and writing idea is to give high school students a one or two page badly written essay and have them rewrite it.  But they should only write a first draft of the essay.  (A badly rewritten example of a stupid Supreme Court decision will probably be much more exciting than a generic example of bad writing.)  And as soon as they have written their rough first draft, they should give it to their teacher.  This first step will usually take about ten to twenty minutes to complete.  Then for the rest of the class, the teacher can talk about things like philosophy and psychology.  These are the kind of topics that should be very important to anyone who wants to become a good writer and they should be included in K-12 writing classes.

  11. On the second day, the teacher should give the students the original essay and their first drafts and ask them to write a better second draft.  But the students should not be required to write anything for their first draft or their second draft.  If they don’t want to write anything, they should just remain quiet while their classmates are writing.  They can talk with some of their friends as long as they don’t disturb anyone.  The most important learning will be done with the lecture given by the teacher on the third day. 

  12. After the students have turned in their second drafts, the teacher can talk about other skills for communicating effectively.  You know, the kind of things that can or should be said when someone is negotiating over a used car.  Or when he or she is trying to explain to a policeman why there is some drug paraphernalia in their pants pocket.  Or what a man should say when he wants to have sex with a woman.

  13. For the third day, the teacher will start out by giving the students the original essay, their first draft, their second draft, and a copy of the essay as it should have been written.   (The teacher should write some brief notes on the students’ first and second drafts about what they are doing right and what they are doing wrong.)  Then the teacher can give a comprehensive lecture about the differences between the bad essay and the good essay.  This should enable a teacher to make her lectures for twenty to thirty students almost as effective as tutoring one student at a time.  Which is analogous to manufacturing products with multiple workers on an assembly line in a factory.   And by making her students wait twenty four hours between the first and second drafts, they will see more vividly why good editing skills are so important for good writing.

  14. When a man is asking the first tine for a woman to have sex with him, he will often use communication techniques that are used by car salesmen.  And one of those techniques is to ask a closing question as soon as possible.  And used car salesmen learn quickly that they can ask the same closing questions again and again and again.  They just have to use the right closing question at the right time with each customer.  Although sometimes they have to be very patient while they wait for the right time to ask.  These communication techniques then are some of the skills that men should practice before asking a woman to have safe sex with them. 

  15. And there are several closing questions that I would like to recommend.  The most basic closing question for a man to ask a woman for sex when it could be their first time for having sex is: “Is this the right time for me put on a condom?”  Another closing question is,,, but it should only be used if both of them have a very good sense of humor:  “Should I put on my cowboy pants and my cowboy hat?”  (That is a poetic way for a man to ask if he can unzip his pants and put on a condom.  Women love men who talk dirty in poetic terms.)  Another closing question that can be very effective is to say: “Will it be okay with you if I turn off the lights and take off my clothes?”  When this last question is asked, a man should give the woman a condom so she can put on him.  Some woman will really enjoy doing this because it will give them an opportunity to “fluff” their man into a more athletic performance.  And that can be extremely important because every man occasionally needs to be “fluffed?”  Which is why I am currently writing instructions for how a woman can learn how to “fluff” a man.  The how to learn instructions are extremely important because men come in so many different sizes and shapes.  Therefore every woman should learn how to improvise when she is “fluffing.”  Then she will be able to “fluff” every man she meets. 

  16. Nonetheless, all of the closing questions that I have recommended can be rewritten to make them more effective.  That is very important because used car salesmen have to improvise their closing questions again and again and again until they learn how to ask the right question at the right time with each customer.  And when a man is asking a woman to have sex with him for the first time, sometimes he will also have to improvise like a used car salesman by saying something like “I am going to put on my cowboy hat.”  Or “I want to turn off the lights and put on my cowboy pants.”  Both of those improvisations are more assertive than asking permission to do something.  But if a woman agrees to an assertion or a question by saying “Yes,” by nodding her head “Yes,”  or by lying down in the missionary position and taking off her panties, a man should immediately put on a condom and start tickling her ovaries with his punchline.  However, sometimes a woman will say “No” to a closing question, usually by nodding her head “No” or by not taking her panties off.  This then will become the time when a man needs to not think like a used car salesman.

  17. Another strategy that teachers can use is to give their students a list of facts that must be included in a letter to a business or a government agency.  The students then will write a rough first draft in about ten to twenty minutes and give it to their teacher.  Who will finish the rest of the class by talking about a topic such as logical fallacies that are frequently used by writers.  On the next day, a teacher will give her students the original list of facts, the first drafts, and a second list of facts that must also be included in the letter.  Which will be used by the students when they write a better second draft.  And then on the third day the teacher will give her students the original list of facts, the first draft, the second list of facts, and the second draft.  These writing lessons will be very valuable because they will resemble what writers repeatedly have to do.  It happens almost every time, a writer starts with an idea and then he suddenly realizes that he must change everything because he thought of a new idea.  Or he was given more facts.  So this second strategy could be a very good learning experience.   But a teacher should still use the previous writing strategy from time to time because it is less stressful.  Which will make her classes more enjoyable and her students more eager to learn.  Again, the students won’t be required to do any writing with either the first or second strategy because the most important lessons will be in the lecture on the third day.  But if enough of my other ideas are successful for making K-12 writing classes enjoyable, the non-participating students will be much more likely to participate by writing first drafts, writing second drafts, and listening carefully to their teachers’ lectures. 

  18. When a customer says “No” to a used car salesman, the used car salesman will usually try to ask as soon as possible another kind of closing question that might enable him to overcome the customer’s objections.  If  a salesman doesn’t do this as soon as possible, his probability of making a sale can drop to almost zero.  But when a man asks a woman if she wants to have sex with him for the first time and she says “No,” a completely different strategy should be used.  Because when a woman says “No” to having sex for the first time, the best time and best place to talk about sex will usually be in a follow up conversation during the next day.  Or during the next two or three days.  But the talk should always be done in a face to face conversation or with a phone call.  It should never be done with a text message or an email.  Yes, there will be some situations when the follow up conversation can be or should be done immediately after getting a “No” answer.  Or before the night is over.  Maybe the man used the wrong closing question.  And maybe he can use a better question to start a conversation about sex.  But a second closing question on the same night should always be done politely.  And it should only be done one time.  Never twice.  Never thrice.

  19. The most important objective with the above closing questions is to get a “Yes” answer or a “No” answer that can be compatible with starting a follow up conversation about sex.  So knowing when to ask a first time closing question can be fairly easy to do.  Just don’t ask too soon or too late.  And always be polite when the question is asked.  But even if the question is asked at the wrong time, the conversation will have at least  been started.  And if the answer was “No,” it could still be acceptable to finish the conversation during the next day.  Or during the next several days.  Or as soon as it is appropriate.  Sometimes a follow up conversation shouldn’t be done.  But sometimes it should be done.   If it should be done, a man should usually use a delay after a first time closing question to give everyone enough badly needed time to prepare for saying what should and must be said.   But sometimes knowing what to say in a follow up conversation can  be difficult to discern.  Even starting the conversation can sometimes be very difficult.

  20. However, there are some topics that people should almost never talk about when they are negotiating about first time sex.  The most important of these topics is abortion.  If a man is prochoice, he probably shouldn’t say anything.  Because if he says that he is prochoice, that could be interpreted by her as a preemptive strategy for making her get an abortion that she may not want.  On the other hand, maybe she will prefer to know ahead of time if a potential lover is prochoice or prolife.  Or maybe he will prefer to not hide the information.  Nonetheless, a woman should not automatically assume that a man is prochoice because he didn’t say anything.  Maybe he never found the right time or the right words or the right place or enough courage to say something.  If a man is prolife, or if he doesn’t know how he will react to an unplanned pregnancy, he should, if he can, discreetly mention this fact before they get to the point for talking about a serious relationship.  Then she can think about what she will do if she becomes pregnant.  If a man never wants to have children, or if he never wants to take responsibility for fathering a child, he should get a vasectomy.  As for a woman talking about getting an abortion, I have contradictory beliefs.  If a woman is prolife, she should tell the man she is negotiating with.  Then he can think about what he will do if she becomes pregnant.  If she is prochoice, she definitely should tell him so he can get an emergency vasectomy.  I am prochoice but I am also ambivalent about abortion.  Instead of getting an abortion, I think that most women could put their baby up for an adoption.  And if a woman is not a victim of rape or incest, and if she is not healthy enough to give birth to a baby, I would prefer that she create a life instead of destroying it.  But I am not a woman.  Therefore I am not going to force any woman to carry through with a pregnancy.  Nor will I force her to get permission from the baby’s father.  And hopefully this will the only time that I have to talk about getting an abortion.  But it probably won’t be. 

  21. Another teaching strategy that could make a teacher very popular with her students is give a group or groups of students individual folders of photographs that can be used for writing a movie script.  The students “chosen” for this assignment should be volunteers.  And they should be given the photographs so they can write a script during their Thanksgiving or Christmas vacation.  If they want, they should be allowed add photographs to their script to make it better.  These movie scripts could be a very enjoyable assignment because the students won’t have to worry about correct grammar.  They can just write like most people speak.  But the sequence of photographs will have to utilize all of the principles of good writing.   

  22. Probably the best tactic for starting a follow up conversation after a woman has said “No” can be for a man to say very politely when the date is almost over that he will call tomorrow.  Or the next day.  Or as soon as possible.  And he must call when he says he will call.   This will make it easier for him and her to say what they want or need to say.  (Sometimes the woman will not want the man to call tomorrow.  Or the next day.  Or any day.)  Naturally, the most important topic for a follow up conversation is usually the question of what both of them want from a relationship.  Sometimes this can be a hard conversation to start.  

  23. about because there isn’t a really good vocabulary for discussing what might happen when two people use one another in their pursuit of happiness. True, most people know what is meant by the phrase “friends with benefits.”   They also know, or they should know, what to think or how to react when someone says “I am addicted to sex.”  “I have only six more months to live.”  


  24. maximin single motherhood 

  25. mini max bayesian  ‘

  26. single motherhood when 

  27. Regardless, one of the topics that should be talked about during the conversation is the issue of sexually transmitted diseases.  This issue can be extremely important for women because some sexually transmitted diseases can make them sterile.  But even men should be concerned with the problem of getting an infection, or giving an infection, because using a condom is not a fail safe solution for pregnancies or for infections.  The best outcome for these conversations is for both people to be tested for STDs

  28. I

  29. But.

  30. A good answer during a negotiation about sex is to request a Bayesian Romance.  The word “Bayesian” comes from a mathematical theory used for making decisions with a limited amount of information.   And the theory can even work when new information is added to the formula.  Which is what can happen and should happen during dating.  branch of mathematics known as bayesian romance ‘]

  31. Another teaching strategy that could make a teacher very popular with her students is to periodically give them impromptu public speaking assignments.  This could be done four or five times a semester.  Or six of seven times a semester.  Or two or three times.   For extra credit, a prepared speech could be delivered at the end of the semester.  The teacher should serve as an editor for the speech.  The public speaking day will start with the students moving their desks around in a circle close to the classroom walls.  When they are called on to answer a question, they will stand up and give an impromptu speech to their fellow classmates.  But the teacher will start the class by giving a very short lecture about something that the students have been working on.  Or maybe the lecture will be about a short story or novel that the students have been assigned to read.  Then most of questions could be about the assigned reading material.  To make the speeches more exciting, the teacher should stand at a podium outside the circle.  This will force the students to talk their classmates.  It will also enable the teacher to  watch her students perform.  Some students will be very eager to participate in these alpha leadership drills.  Some will not be so eager. A teacher will have to rely upon her knowledge of the students to make the decisions of who to ask and what to ask.  The questions should be written like closing questions that will lure students into answering them.  So open ended questions should usually be avoided.  For example, the right kind of question for a conservative student will include facts that align with his beliefs and also provide hints for what he should say in his speech.  Then the student will probably give a speech that he or his parents have given many times before.  Naturally, the student should try to end his speech with a closing question that entices people to give tangible support to him and his beliefs.  The same strategy should be used with liberal students to ensure that the impromptu speeches work as a vigorous exchange of ideas.  Some of the questions might come from websites ran by a teacher(s) for other teachers.  Some might be improvisations made during class time.  About about ten to fifteen minutes before the class is over, the students should be given a question that they can write a quick answer for.  These rough drafts will be given to the teacher who will study them and give them back to the students the next day, or the next week, with brief notes on the quality of their writings and their answers.   

  32. There is one thing that I hope will never happen when two people have negotiated a successful  decision about sex.  But it can happen to anyone and everyone needs to be prepared for it.  Unfortunately, everyone will eventually change their mind about a decision they made.  It could be a decision about sex.  Or money.  Or God.  It could be a decision they made several seconds ago.  Or several decades ago.  But when it happens to a decision about sex, it happens all too often after two people have had sex for the first time.  Or after the second time.  Or after several more times.   But it will be much better to tell the other person that their mind has changed before they have sex.  Or even before they go out on a date.  These conversations, however, are also hard to start and hard to say.  They are sort of like writing assignments that no one wants to do.       

  33. Even though this may sound crazy, students should be taught in their writing classes how to write and listen to classical music.   There are many similarities between writing good essays and writing good music.  Especially when someone has to write a speech.  The similarities include obvious things like a good introduction.  And a closing question at the end of the speech that harmonizes with the introduction.  But there is one similarity that almost no one knows about.  And that is sentence transitions.  A sentence transition is a word or a phrase that connects two sentences in a manner that makes it pleasant to read the two sentences.  And an essay.  And a book.  The most common sentence transitions include ordinary words and phrases like: and, but, or, however, moreover, in addition, furthermore, some, more, most, everyone, every time, every thing,,,  .   One of the similarities between a sentence transition in an essay and a melody transition in a song is that both a transition word or phrase and a transition note must sound just perfect.  That is why I like to use sentence transition words and phrases to help me write.   I can immediately hear it when I have found the perfect sentence transition word or phrase.  I even have a large list of sentences transitions that I look at whenever I can’t think of my next sentence.  And sometimes I look at the list until I find a word or phrase that sounds perfect to use.  (There are five groups of words and phrases in my list.  They are organized according to how frequently the words and phrases are used by me and other writers.  Whenever it is possible, I prefer to use a less frequently used transition word or phrase because that makes my writing less tiresome.  So the least frequently used group is at the top of my list,  I also want to suggest that dictionary publishers include a similar list in their tomes if they want people to buy more dictionaries.)  This strategy, however, means that I will have to think of the transition sentence after finding the perfect transition word or phrase.   Which is probably the opposite writing strategy that is taught in every school in America.  But once I have the first word or phrase of a sentence, it is usually easy to write the rest of the sentence.  Many times the rest of the sentence will be about something that was mentioned in a previous sentence or a previous paragraph.  But there is one problem with my transition strategy, sometimes I have to write too many sentences to get from point A to point B.  But the strategy works for me and i am going to continue using it.  (I also punctuate for the eye instead of the ear.  Which is why I use which so often as a sentence transition word and not as the first word in a dependent clause.  However, I think a reader’s ears will take care of themselves if the writing is well written.  The only time a writer should punctuate for the ear is when he writing a speech or literature. )   And I also think that high school students should learn how to dance waltzes.  What they do now on a dance floor is not conducive for negotiating a sexual relationship.  You can’t even tell if your dance partner has bad breath.   With a waltz, on the other foot, two people can actually have a small conversation.  Which is good for starting a negotiation.  And sometimes a woman will be able to tell if her dance partner will be a good athlete in the bedroom.  This will not only include an evaluation of his physical conditioning, but also does he know how to confidently hold a woman in his arms without bruising her.  Are his hips flexible?  Can he talk while he is dancing?  If he can do the latter, he can probably say “I love you.” at the same time he is doing pelvis thrusts in the bedroom.  But there is a much more important reason for teaching high school students how to waltz.  The next day, after negotiating about sex on the dance floor, a man can call and continue the negotiation.  During this negotiation phase, however, it may be the best time for a man, or a woman, to say things that must be said.  You know, things like I have a criminal record.  My son thinks he is girl but I think it’s just a phase he is going through.  These kind of issues are extremely hard to talk about and they may take several phone calls to settle.  But at least the conversation will have been started.  Ironically, the same kind of minimax conversation can be done now in person or over a phone call, before the first date or after the second date, before sex or after buyer’s remorse, but they aren’t happening.  Maybe they will though if they become a cultural norm with men and women who meet on a dance floor.  (A minimax strategy is a strategy for minimizing risk.  The decision maker starts by examining all of the options that come with the lowest risk level and selects the option(s) with the highest reward.  Also, the neologism “minimax conversation” might be very useful for starting a negotiation phase that should not be avoided.)  As for the other dance forms where people shake their booty in rhythm to a vulgar song, people can still do them if they want to.  But people look silly to me when they are having a pseudo seizure on a dance floor and the dances don’t give a woman any usable information about a man.  The only thing she might learn is what a man looks like when he is masturbating.

  34. Okay, the “Yes” decision has been made.  It is going to happen.  He and she are going to have sex.  And the sooner the better.  It will probably be really great sex because enthusiasm is much more important than technique.  Even Viagra can not be as powerful as an uncontrollable desire.  And as everyone knows, or as they should know, having sex is an athletic event.  And they should also know that some men are better athletes of love because they are bigger.  They are stronger.  They are faster.  They have more endurance.   And they are better looking.  But most men are using the wrong technique when they are making a woman breathe heavily.  Which can be good enough because repeatedly pumping inside a woman’s wet spot will usually work.  Every time a man bumps into a woman’s door bell in between her legs, a small dose of a love hormone will be injected into her body.  And after enough pumps and bumps, she will be satisfied.  She may even fall in love again with her human dildo.  But pumping and bumping is an outdated technique.  It is equivalent to communicating with the Morse Code.   Dot, dash, dot, dash, dot, dash faster faster faster.  ORGASM!!!   

  35. What men should do when they are making love to a woman is to start with stretching exercises inside her wet spot.  Every time a man pushes hard enough and long enough into her body with a stretching exercise, the door bell in between her legs will inject a large dose of a love hormone into her body.  (It’s called oxytocin.)  But too much of a good thing can be too much for anyone to bear.   So a man should periodically stop doing his stretching exercises long enough for her to recover.  But he should keep doing intermittent stretching exercises until she almost overdoses on her love hormone.  Then he should start pumping and bumping.  But for only several thrusts with the love muscle in between his legs.  (Yes, I know.  Real men don’t have a love muscle in between their legs.  But this is just another example of me talking like a poet when I am talking about our animal behavior because women are really turned on by really intelligent euphemisms.)  Then he should do some more stretching exercises.  Then he should switch back to pumping and bumping.  Then he should switch to pumping and pushing.  And then back to pumping and bumping.  And then back to pumping and pushing. (Pumping and pushing is the same thing as pumping and bumping but the bumps last long enough to be called a push.)   Any man who knows how to repeatedly push on the door bell in between a woman’s legs will be much better at sex than men who are bigger than him.  Which is really good news for men like me who are a little bit on the small size. 

  36. If a man wants to get the maximum results from his pumping, bumping, and pushing, he should buy an Aztec bed frame.   An Aztec bed frame is named after an ancient civilization that practiced human sacrifice on an extremely large scale.  So it is the perfect name for a bed frame.  At the top of the bed frame, there is a small electric motor that can raise the head of the bed frame about a half inch to one inch.  This will enable gravity to repeatedly pull a woman down into the optimal pumping and bumping distance of the man who is giving her his shaft.  At the bottom of the bed frame, there is a short hollowed out foot board where a man can wedge his feet in between the mattress and the foot board.  Then when he is  pumping his wife, he can pump higher and higher and higher and higher,,,  .   

  37. Unfortunately, some women, when an athlete is jogging in between their thighs, will start bucking like a wild horse.  When it happens, it can be easy for a man to fall out of her wet spot.  Which is an emergency.  Because if she keeps bucking like a wild horse, it will be impossible for him to get back inside her body.  But the problem can usually be solved by a man quietly saying “Princess,” or her real name if she would prefer it, “Princess, I can’t find your love triangle.”  Then she can grab him by his love muscle and put it back inside her Bermuda Triangle.

  38. Most teachers of grammar and writing skills do not include any lessons on fallacies in their classrooms.  It is easy to understand why they don’t.  One man’s fallacy is often another man’s common sense.  And when this happens, the two men, or two women, or one man and one woman, can end up despising one another.  As a result, teachers and school boards avoid the disaster by not teaching anything about fallacies.  But if this policy of no policy is ever rescinded, I hope that high schools will teach their young adults how to recognize the forty six most important fallacies.  Maybe this will stop many liberals and conservatives from lying about how people should think.  And by associating each fallacy with a President, most of the fallacies already have an official or unofficial name, more people might remember both the fallacies and the Presidents they are associated with.  (If our schools can’t teach the forty six fallacies, maybe the drones at Wikipedia can create them.  Then the irrational logic could be used with drinking games during Presidential speeches, etc, etc.  But this may happen if and only if Wikipedia makes it possible for viewers to print a flashcard for each fallacy.)  My favorite lie for stupid people is the George Washington fallacy for the hard sciences.  There is a bitter debate going on in this country about who is a man and who is a woman.  At one time, this was usually decided by looking at someone’s genitals.   Hermaphrodites were generally thought of as a practical joke by God.  Who can be a very funny guy,,, when he wants to be.  But the issue of who is a man and who is a woman became more scientific when chromosomes were discovered.  And everyone knows that scientists despise people who use common sense.  Well, the problem became even more complicated when scientists discovered that some men had two Y chromosomes and one X chromosome.  And some women had three X chromosomes.  So is this another joke by God?  Or a mistake?  You know, a mistake like children dying of cancer.  And mentally ill teenagers killing their family.   (People who disagree with me about my statements concerning children and teenagers are often using a fallacy known as circular logic.  A fallacy that I believe should be permanently associated with Ronald Reagan.)  Then the final attack on common sense was made when some men said they are really women.  And some women said they are really men.  As should be expected, there are a lot of liberals who agree with them.  Their common sense logic is that the hard wiring in a transgender person’s brain is more important than what their genitals look like.  Or what their chromosomes look like.  Moreover, liberal scientists have been silently predicting among themselves that more research into transgenderism may show that we can determine who is and who is not a transgender person just by looking at their chromosomes.  Then the only people who will continue to claim that judging who is a man and who is a woman can be done by only looking at their genitals will be exposed as being as bigoted as the people who still say that people can be judged by only looking at the color of their skin.  But again, one man’s common sense is another man’s fallacy.
  39. Ironically, athletes are not the best when it comes to making a woman happy.  According to surveys of groupies, musicians are the best lovers.  And short story writers are the second best.  (But only if they write really good short stories that can be read in about the same amount of time it takes to satisfy a woman.)  The reasons for this paradox are simple.  Musicians and short story writers have the talent and training for knowing how hard to push on a woman’s door bell.   How long to push before switching to pumping and bumping.  How hard and how long to pump and bump before switching to pumping and pushing.  And then switching back to pumping and bumping.  And switching back to pumping and pushing.  And how to fugue like an actor in a romantic comedy.  
  40. However, everyone, even athletes, can improve their bedroom scores by learning how to play a musical instrument.  And a theremin is the best musical instrument for learning how to fuck a woman’s brains out.  It is often used in cheap science fiction movies for making really weird special affects sounds.  One time, I saw a YouTube video where a musician used a theremin to imitate a woman having an orgasm.  (I couldn’t find the video the last time I looked.)  And women can teach a man with those special effects sounds what it feels when a man is pumping, bumping, and pushing their guts out.

  41. fugueing . 

  42. There are other reasons and methods for a woman to give a man instructions for pleasing her.  The most important reason is that a woman has a tunnel of love that should be harmonized with her door bell.  And the best time for her to give instructions for tickling her tunnel of love is when she is sitting on a bar stool or lying on a kitchen table.  (Remember the bucking like a wild horse.  When a woman is lying on a kitchen table, a man should grab her really tightly by her wrists so she won’t fall off.  And some women really like it when a man has a complete physical control of their body.  Apparently that is how they know that they have a complete emotional control of a his brain.  But when a man has a really tight grip on a woman’s wrists, he must also remember to occasionally relax his grip so some blood can flow intermittently into her hands.)  True, a woman will probably have to scream loudly to make her instructions understandable when she is lying on a kitchen table, but she must be able to perceive what kind of friction and how much friction she is feeling while she is giving instructions.  With all of the other positions for having sex, there are so many different kinds of stimulation that it is almost impossible for woman to monitor what is making her lose her mind.  So if a man and woman ever decide that they are going to get married, they should buy a very sturdy kitchen table.  If they don’t, they have to buy a lot of kitchen tables to replace the table that collapsed.  As for what kind of instructions a man should expect when she is screaming, most of her instructions will be just one or two words.  Then she can keep moaning as much as she wants to.  One of her instructions may be to scream: “TRUCK DRIVER TRUCK DRIVER TRUCK DRIVER,,,  .”   This means that she wants her man to drive harder, faster, and deeper into her tunnel of love.  Another instruction could be: BRICKLAYER BRICKLAYER BRICKLAYER,,,  .”  When a woman says those words, she wants her man to pump and bump at a slower speed so she can feel how much he loves her.  Sometimes a man should even stop moving for a brief moment so the muscles in her tunnel of love can 

  43. Even though logical fallacies are destructive, at least they can sometimes be defeated by teaching people how to detect them.  But problems created by deceptive framing of questions may be impossible to defeat because the deception is almost always based on a self evident truth.  Consider the issue of welfare.  If a survey question about welfare is written one way, a majority of people will support it.  But if it is written another way, a majority will oppose it.  And both survey questions can be based on self evident questions that a majority of people think are reasonable.  A similar problem can happen with the issue of premarital sex.  But the problem won’t be how the questions are asked, it will be which kind of morality is used for making judgments.   In my humble opinion, there are two basic forms of morality.  The better form is Utilitarianism.  It is favored by liberals like me.  The second form is Dictism.  Which is the preferred form of morality for conservatives.  Utilitarianism is often explained by its supporters with the slogan: “The greatest good for the greatest number.”  But it usually attacked by its opponents with the mantra: “The end justifies the means.”  When the Sexual Revolution was fought and won during the 1960s, liberals defended it by arguing that more sex before marriage would mean fewer divorces after marriage.  But as conservatives are happy to say, the divorce rate is higher now than it was before the 1960s.  Which liberals usually respond to by saying the divorce rate is so high because of the Divorce Revolution of the 1950s.  And things would be even worse without premarital sex.  You can usually tell who is losing a debate when someone says that things would be even worse if we hadn’t enacted policy XYZ.  For Dictism, one of the best examples is the Ten Commandments in the Old Testament.  But examples of Dictism can also be found in the Communist Manifesto.  (Dictism is a made up word.  It is pronounced dick-tism.  I am using it in this essay because it rhymes with Utilitarianism.  That should make it easier for people to remember both forms of moral reasoning.  A more proper name for Dictism is Categorical Imperative.)  And conservatives like to use Dictism when they criticize the moral behavior of young people.  But conservatives will also use Utilitarianism when it will help them win an argument.  Or when they are losing an argument with Dictism.  And liberals will use Dictism whenever they want or need to.      

  44. Unfortunately, the great sex in many marriages eventually evolves into tit for tat sex.  This happens when a man and a woman slowly come to a silent agreement about sex.  Both of them will say without saying anything that: “I will have sex with you when you want it if you will have sex with me when I want it.”  There are many reasons why this happens.  Boredom is probably the most frequent reason.  No matter how beautiful she is, or how handsome he is, having sex with the same person again and again and again and again and again,,, eventually becomes boring.  Then both of them will only want sex when their hormones are surging.  Which are usually not synchronized.  (The unofficial name for great sex is honeymoon sex and boring sex is unofficially known as biological sex.)  If the hormones for two people could be synchronized, then it would be easy for them to have a great sex life.  Even if they hated one another.   Some people are lucky.  They stay married for a long time

  45. Probably the best preventative for tit for tat sex is to avoid a tit for tat marriage with regular doses of quantity time.  the best preventThere are also tit for tat marriages.  And tit for tat friendships.  And tit for tat business relationships.  All of them can happen because of boredom.  But they can also happen bec’

  46. Some people are lucky   quantity time and quality time

  47. Bayesian romances Mr Punchline can be used for avoiding tit for tat marriages and boring sex. 

  48. old people and successful marriage.    

  49. For my last teaching strategy, I am going to propose an idea for teaching high school students how to become human lie detectors machines.  There is a lot research showing that people who are lying about a crime will use different words and phrases from what a honest person will use.  It seems that liars will actually try to avoid lying when they are being interrogated by a policeman or a detective.  So because they are guilty, they will talk in a way that a normal person won’t do.  And there is another speech pattern that policemen and detectives look for when they are talking with a potential suspect.  Even if the conversation is part of a routine traffic stop for something unimportant like a broken taillight, they will listen carefully to determine if the person is reacting or acting when he talks.   An honest person will usually answer a policeman’s questions without having to think of an answer.  He can react to the questions.  But a guilty person will need to think about his answers before he says anything.  Then he will act instead of react while he is thinking of an answer to a question.  To make her classes more exciting, and learning much more enjoyable, a teacher could show police interrogations videos several times each semester.  Then if the students take notes during the videos, they will surely want to participate in a vigorous discussion about the words and phrases that the suspect used.  Their ability to hear those words and phrases should be improved by learning how to edit what they have written.   After all, when a writer edits his work, he looks carefully at every word and phrase to decide if it belongs there.  Well, that is what a policeman and a detective must do when they interrogate someone.  They must listen to every word and phrase and decide if it belongs there.  And if I can just convince the newspapers of America to publish a weekly grammar puzzle, ordinary people will be able to polish their ability to think like a lie detector machine.


Okay, I hope you enjoyed reading my essay about short stories, grammar puzzles, good writing skills, and great sex techniques.  The original essay was much shorter.  And there wasn’t any sex.  But I have been writing letters and emails to newspapers about grammar puzzles for more than ten years and all of them were ignored.  So I decided to quit writing to newspapers.   Now I am asking visitors to my website to petition the New York Times and the Washington Post to publish the grammar puzzles that I have written for them.    

The petitions though will probably be ignored by both the NYT and WaPo.  For reasons that remain unknown to me, their editors and reporters must have a “We are cops, not social workers.” attitude toward their customers.   Or maybe they have never taken any college classes in critical thinking skills.  The first story I would like to have published is titled: “XY Meets XX.”  It is a story about a man and a woman negotiating about sex.  The narrative reveals what the man is thinking.   The dialogue reveals what he and she are saying.  

But if the petitions don’t work, and they probably won’t, maybe the “Six Degrees of Separation Strategy” will work.  With that strategy, all of my visitors will try to send an email to someone who works for Bill Maher, Trevor Daily, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Howard Stern, and/or Bubba the Love Sponge.  All of them are men who might get really excited about doing stretching exercises inside a woman’s body.  And the person or persons who works for them will probably know it. 

The strategy should be fairly simple to implement.  For example, Howard Stern.  He lives and works in New York City.  So if one of my visitors knows someone who lives in New York City, or in New York State, or on the East Coast, they should send an email to that person and ask them to forward it to someone who works for Howard Stern.  Who might be important enough for Howard to listen to.

However, it may take more than one email to communicate with Howard Stern.  Or with Bill Maher, Trevor Daily, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, and Bubba the Love Sponge.  And the email might have forwarded many times more than just once.  Or twice.  Or thrice.  Which is why the plan is called “Six Degrees Of Separation.”  That is the average number of times an email will probably have to be forwarded to reach Howard.  Or the other guys.

But there should be enough time for some of my visitors to start experimenting with stretching exercises inside their wives’ or girlfriends’ wet spot.  .   

Kidd Cicero  (aka The Mad Scientist)

Lincoln, Nebraska, USA    


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